Hello, my dear friends. We were very busy again, had another kid party (this time at the kids club), really exciting for our little one. Yesterday I also went out for a couple of hours to meet my old friends and it was very fascinating as well. One of the questions my friend asked yesterday touched upon a very sensitive topic: returning back home after you immigrated.
Let’s be honest, people in Russia keep asking me those questions: ” Don’t you miss home?”, “When are you returning to your homeland?” etc. Mainly these are people who do not talk to me much and are not familiar with my situation. For them I might seem as a selfish person (I have my parent living in Russia) or just greedy person, enjoying the “luxury life” in Germany.
The truth is I am very uncertain about everything. Yes, I would love to return. And I have no idea when, or how. Because it simply does not depend on my pure will. And these questions stick to my head and annoy me day after day for many years. If it was possible, I would live in both countries and would just teleport whenever I need a change. Would be cool, right?
My life in Germany is not perfect, I am just a simple person. My life in Russia is also very simple, and I do see good and bad things in both countries. It would probably take me an hour just to mention all the positive and negative sides. Plus, after some time you are just so stuck somewhere in between the countries: you seem like a foreigner in both of them, sort of an alien.
My decision to move to Germany originally was connected to my studies. It was a very conscious choice: there were educational programs available, the cost of living in Germany was lower than in other EU countries, my Master course was free, I even had a scholarship. It’s just I could never predict, that I would fall in love, get married and have a kid here. It just happened, it’s my fate. And even if I want to move back, it will take me a couple of years just to sort out things here. Would be also stupid just to leave and start from zero in Russia, no from minus 6 years that I have been absent. And having started a new family abroad just complicates this matter even more.
My hope was that after living here for a month I would have an answer to the question: “Return home or stay abroad?”. I am halfway through my holiday, but I’m still similarly confused, maybe even more confused than in the beginning. It’s a very painful and emotionally exhausting topic for me. That is why I get almost angry, when someone just casually mentions: “Oh, but have you ever thought of coming back”. Like, you played enough, come to your senses. Well, how little do they know…